Use Your Noodle!

There are certain mistruths you can get away with in life, and I’m being kind by calling them mistruths, because let’s face it, they’re goddamn lies, really. But for the sake of trying to control any outbursts, I’ll just refer to them as mistruths.

Some mistruths ring more true than others, which is an oxymoron, but anyway… you can utter a mistruth, and it could be totally believable, probably more by stupid morons than the average person, but still… or you can utter a mistruth and it comes out sounding like complete bull, and that’s where the old adage “You can fool some of the people, some of the time, but not me you stupid dumbass!” comes in.

And if you’re going to try to bullshit me, at least make it good! For instance, don’t tell me you lost all your contacts in your phone when I send you a text and you don’t recognize it’s me, because that’s so obvious! I don’t care if you’ve deleted my number, people do it all the time! Wait, let me rephrase that: people are always deleting other people’s numbers out of their phones, not just you. I’d rather you just come out and say “I deleted your number because you fall into the category of a b-list friend.” I mean, that’s what I tell people when I’ve deleted their numbers!

Anyway, shouldn’t homemade soup that takes a while to prepare, be absolutely delicious? And if it isn’t, doesn’t that qualify as sort of a mistruth? If an order of soup that’s taking an inordinate amount of time to get to you, give you the expectation that you’re in for some seriously good eats, and it disappoints you, isn’t it really like lying?

See, that’s what I thought! If you’re waiting a long time to get soup, then you’re anticipating a delicious bowl of something-out-of-the-ordinary, and when you finally get it and it’s: meh, well… that’s wrong! It should be: oh my God, this soup is so fantastic, it was totally worth the wait!

Is that right?

Is that right?

I love soup. It’s one of life’s simple pleasures! That, and screwing over the government! So when I get soup, I want it to be something that I can’t make at home, and when I saw Ozeki Noodle House, I figured that Japanese udon soup was just the ticket!

Well, it wasn’t.

Okay, my soup wasn’t bad, but it certainly wasn’t worth the wait. It took a long time, like 20 minutes. Maybe 20 minutes isn’t a long time for some people, but those idiots live somewhere other than Southern California, where 20 minutes is a goddamn hour! I know Japanese food takes some time to prepare, so as I sat there waiting, I kept telling myself that I should be patient, like a Japanese warrior, if Japanese warriors are at all patient, which I’m not sure they are.

When the soup finally arrived, it had a nice piece of tempura shrimp on the side of the bowl waiting to be picked up and eaten, so I did, and that was the best part of the dish. Like most Japanese food, I couldn’t discern what some of the food was, which is kind of a mistruth in itself! For instance, there was some white stuff floating around in the broth that I couldn’t figure out, and when I tasted it, it didn’t have a distinctive flavor of anything… discernible.

There were a few pieces of fish cake that I recognized by the neon pink outer layer… and some cabbage, scallions, and big, fat udon noodles. Oh, there was one other thing that stood out: a shiitake mushroom! There was only one, and I was looking forward to eating it since I love ‘em, but when I bit into it, it tasted like it initially had a starring role in someone else’s tempura plate, so I ended up spitting it out!

Then I made the stupid mistake of going on Yelp and reading the reviews, and it seems that Ozeki Noodle was having some mistruths about their cleanliness; they’ve been having frequent visits from the Ventura County Health Department and getting cited! Ewww.

Well, I guess I’d rather know the truth!

Ozeki Noodle

349 W Esplanade Dr
Oxnard, CA


Categories: Asian, Food, Humor, Satire, Soup | Tags: , , , , , | 2 Comments

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2 thoughts on “Use Your Noodle!

  1. I usually don’t get soup at a restaurant unless a steak and potatoes come outside of it.

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