I realize we live in an area that’s becoming increasingly populated by wealthy people and the Hollywood elite (or as I like to refer to them: self-entitled, narcissistic, assholes), but we all need to make an effort to get along with these morons since they’re invading… I mean, becoming part of, our humble, little community here in the Connayo! And as I was driving down the street pondering this thought while giving the finger to some wealthy jerk in the Beemer next to me, I happened to notice that my stomach was grumbling, letting me know it was time to eat lunch!
I had just made the e x t r e m e l y loooong drive back from Los Angeles where I had some consultation appointments with a few Dr. Frankensteins (plastic surgeons) in a frightening little enclave called Beverly Hills (which means “flotation device” in Chumash), where everyone looks strangely like a character out of The Stepford Wives, and I felt an enormous sense of relief upon my return here to Hokeyville!
Okay, I know that’ll come as a great shock to all of you, considering that I am in no need whatsoever, of plastic surgery, since you cannot improve upon perfection! I only went to see if that statement was actually true, since I always question authority!
So I met with these Doctors of Mercy because I wanted to hear first-hand from an evil genius exactly what was involved in having a lift, stuff, tuck, suck, un-stuff, and cram back in, and I have to say, what these freaks… I mean, “doctors” *snicker* offer is a fascinating endeavor! They want to use their extraordinary skills to create an entirely new breed of woman! Something that resembles a blowup-doll; body parts in gravity-defying positions, over-blown lips slightly ajar, and faces set in a permanently imposed expression of awe, which, it turns out, is a look favored by all men of great distinction and caliber!
The best part, they say, is that the risk of surgery is generally low and the exorbitant cost is offset by the fact that we will finally be accepted and loved for who we are! Well, I could see how this would be so appealing to us women!
After thanking the various Dr. Frankenfurters for their time and running out of their offices, I jumped into my rickety old jalopy and escaped Hotel California just in time for lunch, and upon my return to Wanksville, I could only thank God that I lived in a place that was mostly occupied by normal, ugly people!
So as I was saying, I was cruising down Thousand Oaks Blvd and… you know, it’s ridiculous having a street referred to as a “boulevard” in a place where Old McDonald had a farm… but anyway, I noticed a large sign saying: Mouthful Eatery, Now Open!
Just take that in for a second.
Anyway, I had just left this other God-awful place
Westlake Village called Veggie Grill. I was considering eating there since it just opened, but I took one step inside, witnessed the fake-looking food coming out of the kitchen, and abruptly left! So when I happened upon Mouthful Eatery *snicker*, I was extremely excited! As soon as I walked in, the chef-owner, Luis, walked up to me, introduced himself, and gave me a personal consultation. He said their concept is that they smoke their own meats, bake their own bread, and make everything on their menu, fresh on-site! Thank God, we need a place like this in Mexiville!
Since I was on a veggie craving, I ordered their Very Veggie, Veggy Good sandwich (a mouthful), and it was excellent! It was packed with thick, juicy slices of perfectly grilled Portobello mushroom, red pepper, zucchini and onion, slathered with an artichoke spread and drizzled with balsamic, all on a freshly baked ciabatta roll… HELLO, where have you been all my life?! I know I’m getting excited over something as simple as grilled veggies, but most restaurants undercook them so I’m always disappointed, whereas these were perfect, just like they came right out of a surgeon’s office! Plus, they make this delicious cucumber lemonade that rivals the lemonade I tried here once!
Luis is originally the chef from Nic’s Restaurant in Beverly Hills, and it scared me for a moment when he told me, but I took a good look at him and he looks like one of us. Besides, he’s no plastic surgeon, so I figured if any knife gets into his hands, it’s going to be used for slicing into food and not into me, so I’m good with it.
2626 E. Thousand Oaks Blvd.
Thousand Oaks, CA