Hot, Sexy…Danish?

Okay, so I’ve had a few bad experiences with my eats the past couple of weeks, and like normal, I’ve gone right out and said exactly what I thought of those experiences, and it hasn’t always been pretty, but I’m not sorry because sometimes this is a dirty job! Listen, someone’s gotta be the one to have the guts to take on the stupid morons of this world and expose the truth, and apparently, it’s me!

And believe me, I’ve had to deal with some real doozies this past week, and not with food either, and… Jesus Christ, I hope I never use the word doozy again… will someone please explain to me why some… some… people, think they can just open their pieholes and vomit out whatever stupid, ignorant thought they have and try to project their mediocrity onto me?!

Wait, nevermind, don’t answer that, I don’t need to know why! The only thing I need to know is how to blow off such moronic jellyjaws to begin with, which I do, but right before I do that, I always tell them to stick it where the sun don’t shine with the exact same mouth I use to eat delicious food products! If more people used their pieholes to eat delicious food instead of opening them up to say something stupid, we’d have a much better world!

Now on to the important stuff: pastry. Good pastry! The kind that re-establishes my faith in humankind!


My, what big... muffins you  have!

My, what big… strudel you have!

This is real, authentic Danish pastry… is that repeating myself? Should I just call it Danish, or just pastry… or what? Wait, don’t answer that! I don’t need some moron, know-it-all sending me a ten paragraph diatribe about what term I should use for a goddamned Danish… pastry… Danish pastry!

I had the best Danish ever at Andersen’s in Santa Barbara last week, and I’m not talking about the human kind of Danish either, because who the hell would ever want that?! Well, I should say it was the best Danish ever outside of Denmark, which I’ve never been to, but I would imagine that it’s the best outside of Denmark. The pastry was flaky, crispy, creamy, buttery, with a delicious fruit filling…mmm! This must be how the Danish have sex; it’s Danish porn!

I mean, let’s face it, the Danes don’t know how to have sex, they’re too white and too boring! They can barely speak English for crying out loud! This is the closest the Danes get to having great, kinky sex; delicious kringel or strudel with tons of butter and sugar and fruit and…. oh, oh, oh yeah, oh yeah, OH MY GOD, this is the best goddamned Danish pastry I’ve ever had in my life!!

Yeah, that’s probably how they do it, except with a stupid accent… and much quicker, because it’s way too goddamned cold in Denmark to take any clothes off! Why even bother having any sex? Just eat pastry instead, it’s not as messy and it tastes better!

The only other thing Denmark is really known for, is Hans Christian Andersen, the poet and writer of wonderful children’s stories, like my favorite: The Little Mermaid! Oh, and Legoland, if you can believe that. They have a friggin’ Legoland in Denmark right next to the Lego Factory! That’s where Legos come from. Yep, the Danes are responsible for those plastic, click-together, building blocks, which is further proof that the Danes don’t know how to have sex!

Andersen’s Bakery has all kinds of other deliciousness too though, not just pastry, like fine cakes decorated with swirls of icing and sugary flowers, cookies sparkling with crystals of sugar or slivered almonds, and loaves of dense, yeasty bread! They make a yummy, albeit expensive, breakfast too. Mine was 15 bucks for some eggs and spinach! Their Danish pastry costs a lot too. I got a couple of ’em to take with me and it came to 9 bucks, on top of the 15 for the eggs, so with tax and tip, it was 30 bucks!

Jeez, porn sure has gotten expensive! 

Andersen’s Danish Bakery & Restaurant

1106 State St

Santa Barbara, CA


Categories: Breakfast, Food, Humor, Pastries, Satire | Tags: , , , , , | 3 Comments

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3 thoughts on “Hot, Sexy…Danish?

  1. So, did you find the Danish to be good? Couldn’t really tell from reading your post.

Have you digested this?

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