White Meat’s Got No Soul!

When is soul food no longer soul food? When it’s prepared by a rich, white guy from Calabasas! Or rather, a rich Asian guy that’s a chef in Calabasas! Yeah, I didn’t know Asians could master soul food either.

Well, turns out they can’t.

Excuse me, but since when did they start offering soul food in Calabasas anyway?! Don’t all those rich, white people get confused unless they can go to a safe place to order their arugula pancakes with smoked duck tongue over persimmon juice with cucumber foam (watch, now that I said that, it’ll be on the menu of every goddamned trendy restaurant in L.A.)?! Don’t Calabasas residents get frightened by the mere mention of anything African-American unless his name happens to be Kanye? And isn’t that scary enough since no one in Calabasas ever associated Jesus with a black guy before?!

I don’t know if chicken and waffles constitutes as soul food, but I’m lumping it under that category since African-Americans are used to being lumped into one category anyway. So now they’re offering soul food in Calabasas of all places and no one’s batting a single false eyelash?! Let me tell you something: I know that if I was paying millions of dollars to live in a sparkling white neighborhood, in a large mansion that was situated directly down-wind from a smelly landfill, and had neighbors like the Kardashians and Justin Beiber, I wouldn’t want any riffraff in my neighborhood!


Wait… I ordered the one with soul?

So yeah, no one was more surprised than I to see that the restaurant Salt was offering chicken and waffles on their menu. But for all you socialists and human-rights sympathizers out there that enjoy your ethnic dishes, don’t get too excited because it’s a sterilized version of chicken and waffles, made to appeal to the delicate palates of the filthy rich! This dish doesn’t resemble anything you’d find at a real soul food restaurant like Roscoe’s Chicken ‘n Waffles in Los Angeles, a restaurant that you would never find anyone from Calabasas eating in!

The dish looks like it belongs in an expensive restaurant like Salt since you won’t find any legs or wings on it and that’s because that would be too barbaric for the Calabasasses… the Calabasassasins… the Calabasasans! They prefer to have their chicken just like themselves: white. And that’s exactly how it comes; with two pieces of breaded, fried chicken breast and two waffles drizzled with balsamic glaze, with maple balsamic syrup on the side, and a nice sprig of parsley on the plate! Jesus Christ, why don’t you just kill off any remaining soul the dish could have had, by having Paula Deen serve it, for crying out loud?!!

I mean c’mon, you have an Asian chef attempt to make soul food like chicken and waffles, and he makes the chicken Milanese-style and drizzles balsamic reduction over everything? Really?! The weird thing was, when I was there, no one in the place looked frightened in any way! They all looked relaxed and seemed to be enjoying themselves, and I was surprised that they didn’t feel any outrage whatsoever that an Asian would attempt to mix Italian with African-American together in the first place! Surely when the Calabasasans do their laundry, they never mix the colors with the whites, so why was this even happening?!

You know, I’m good with it because I know that if I ever want real soul food, I can just drive to the scary part of town in L.A. where all the African-Americans live and get the real stuff, and I’ll only have to make the short drive through Calabasas to get there… and believe me, I’ll do it without stopping!


26500 Agoura Road, #116

Calabasas, CA


Categories: Chicken, Food, Humor, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

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3 thoughts on “White Meat’s Got No Soul!

  1. This Calabasas place seems like a place that I would fit in well, except for the rich part. At least the food has the soul…of a white person.

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