Doesn’t that word project a feeling of endless possibilities, no restrictions, freedom to choose? Unlimited is great! That is, until it’s not. You see, there is good unlimited, and then there is bad unlimited.
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Yes, I said steak fries!
I know, I know, I’m a
satirist comedian narcissist food blogger, so, shouldn’t I be listing steak fries under the “good” unlimited list? No, I shouldn’t, and I’ll tell you why as soon as I stop using that annoying strikethrough feature.
Because too much of a good thing… nevermind. Because eating too many steak fries is not a good thing since 1: it can become a substitute for pie (apple, pizza), and 2: it can give you a stomach ache, which is what I found out when I got unlimited steak fries the other evening. Luckily for me, they weren’t that great, so I only got two helpings of unlimited, rather than unlimited, unlimited.
I got them at Red Robin and I hate to admit that, since I would never normally go to a joint like that (or use the word “joint” to describe an eatery) but I was craving fried potatoes (again) and it was the closest place to me at the time. Plus, I found out about their unlimited steak fries from another blogger (damn her!) and it set off an uncontrollable urge to eat as many steak fries as I could (stupid, stupid, stupid!). Not only that, but it looks like the strikethrough feature and parentheses are my new favorite punctuation marks… along with the ellipses! Not only that, but it’s a lot trickier to use those things on a keyboard! Not only that, but I’m not entirely certain that the strikethrough feature is even punctuation… and, I use the exclamation point a whole helluva lot (if that’s even a word)!
Anyway, I didn’t find out about the USF (unlimited steak fries) from a food blogger, but rather, a book review blogger who’s a foodie (eatie), and I’m just surprised that we both aren’t total fatties, but rather, just a little chubby with muffin tops (I hate that goddamned word). Would she be insulted if she were to find out that I described her as such? Guess what? Who gives a shit! It’s her fault for mentioning the goddamned USF!
Ahh yes, the unlimited steak fry; a gimmicky food product that has the potential to ease political tension, soothe the aggressive driver, and make working at a shitty job less…shitty, and that’s because everyone loves a fried potato! And if you don’t, there’s something seriously wrong with you, you dumbass, now get the hell out of my way so I can make that green light and get to Red Robin for my USF!
Add a little sweet ketchup or mayo to ‘em, and they’re bonafide fried potato deliciousness! Add unlimited to ‘em, and… well… it would have been fantastic had they been good, but Red Robin’s USF are frozen (of course), and they suffered from a little freezer burn. I kept getting one that was good, then one that had the consistency of cardboard, then a good one again, so whenever I reached for one from it’s cute little SFC (steak fry container), I never knew what I was gonna get (goddamned Forrest Gump box-of-chocolates-steak-fries!).
Then I noticed other people in the joint were eating them like there wasn’t anything wrong with them, but then again, everyone in the joint looked like they eat crap like that all the time, meaning they were all chubby and had muffin tops! Wait a second, let me rephrase that: everyone in the joint was fat! Sorry to refer to all you fatties out there as fatties, but if you stop eating so many goddamned USF, you wouldn’t be called fatty… fatty.
I just thought of another word that should be added to the “bad” unlimited list: waistline.
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