What Do You Mean… Rare?

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but I’m not one to get nervous easily, it just never really happens. Come to think of it, I did get nervous that one time I went out to dinner with a lesbian and she ordered the ahi tuna tartare… but other than that, not a whole lot gets me jumpy.

So when I met my neighbor at her place the other night so we could go out for dinner, she did a couple of things that could be a little nerve-wracking; first, she called her daughter a bitch, then she asked her husband if he was hungry and when he said no, she gave him the finger and stormed out the door… and you know, I didn’t even react, I just followed her!


Well she wasn’t upset with me, she was upset with them, and she was flipping him off, not me, so why should I worry about it? Besides, my neighbor’s a total kick in the pants, that’s why I agreed to go have dinner with her in the first place, and I figured after that little scene, I was in for a really great time! Besides, as far as I knew, she wouldn’t be ordering any ahi tuna tartare!

We both agreed that Italian sounded really good, so she suggested this new place that’s only been open for a short time called Portofino. Normally, I avoid brand new places until they’ve been open for a while so they can work out all their kinks, but I figured after the bitch-calling and finger-flipping, why not continue the adventure?


Soothes the savage beast!

Portofino recently took over a space where a Mexican restaurant used to be, and no one is more happy about that than me, since… well, you already know why. Anyway, the place is all white tablecloth-topped tables so I figured I was gonna be in this for a few bucks, so it’d better be good. Normally, I’m pretty frugal, but lately, I’ve been indulging myself a little more. I guess maybe it’s because I can only eat cheap, crappy food for so long!

We decided to share a few items so it would make it easy on my wallet. My neighbor suggested the caprese salad, which I don’t give a crapese about because every goddamned Italian restaurant out here serves a caprese salad, but who was I to argue with the finger-flipper? We also got fried calamari, and I have to say, neither of them impressed me in the least, so I figured I’d order something cheap after all, and if it wasn’t good, it wouldn’t be a big loss, so I ordered the minestrone soup as my entrée.

My neighbor ordered the filet mignon, and get this; she ordered it refrigerator rare! WTF is that, you ask? Good question! I didn’t know either until she explained it to me: it means rare, but so rare, that it’s not only really red in the middle, it’s cold… meaning it’s goddamned raw! Who in their right mind orders their meat raw?! I mean, why even have it cooked on the outside then, if you’re just gonna sink your carnivores into it… or, whatever those sharp teeth we have are called… when it’s raw?

Then, she started complaining, asking why in the world would they would serve it on a warm plate (because obviously, it would warm up the cold, raw, dead flesh!) but I don’t know how the hell to answer that, I only ordered the goddamned soup, which was delicious! 

I mean, I’ll eat raw veggies all day long, but never raw meat! Fish, yeah, but not meat, and then I started to wonder if my neighbor would eat raw anything! If I wasn’t nervous before, I was nervous then and all of a sudden, I wished was having dinner with the lesbian again!


2350 E. Thousand Oaks Blvd.

Thousand Oaks, CA


Categories: Food, Humor, Satire, Soup | Tags: , , , , , , | 8 Comments

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8 thoughts on “What Do You Mean… Rare?

  1. Interesting neighbor you have thee. Is she a little bitter about her family?

  2. AHA…that was so good….!
    Good work 🙂

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