Health Scare!

So there’s this amazingly good-looking guy that I work with that I just drool over, but he doesn’t know who the hell I am, even though I yell out “Good Morning Hot Stuff!” as he walks by my desk every day. But I know one day he’ll notice just how much of a goddess he’s actually been working with all this time, yet has completely overlooked! Until then, I guess I just have to keep sending him those anonymous, suggestive emails…

Anyway, I figured that if I was gonna impress this guy, I’d better start showing a little more of my hot body, so I decided to do a quick ego-check by standing in front of my mirror naked to make sure everything was in place, but I quickly realized that this was the goddamned wrong way to do an ego-check! It’s an ego-destroyer is what it is! The right way to have done it, would have been to stand in front of the mirror wearing a pair of dark sunglasses holding a candle!

With all of the goddamned apple pie and ice cream I’ve been eating this summer, I’ve gotten a little… um, how shall I put this… I’ve gotten a little… well, there’s a little more of me than there was before, which would normally be fantastic because what’s better than a little bit of Clever Girl, than a little bit more of Clever Girl?!

But not in this context.

I thought the best course of action would be to start working out and doing some squats and weights, so I slipped a cassette tape into my Walkman, put on some hot beats from Milli Vanilli, and started squatting away! I was really getting into it too and got a good pace going, but I ended up going so fast, my heart rate got too high and I nearly passed out! Then I got a goddamned panic attack ‘cause I thought I was going to die!

That was bullshit! I’m never doing that again!


Okay, but where’s the butter?

Well after surviving that ordeal I figured eating a good meal was in order! I mean, if I couldn’t exercise, I’d at least get something healthful into my pie hole! So I called up my friend Joel The Health Nut (with an emphasis on nut) and after I told him all about my new, fit lifestyle, he suggested we go to Hugo’s ‘cause they serve all this organic, healthy stuff, so that’s where we went.

This place is in the heart of Agoura, which, in Chumash, means “wealthy, soulless asshole”. It’s tucked inside the Whizin’s plaza, which has been there since we wiped out all the Indians, and it’s still embarrassingly called that stupid name, much to the chagrin of all the rich assholes who live in the area. The place is really quaint, meaning outdated, but they’ve been trying to update the shopping center’s image by including all these hip places to spend all that money, and Hugo’s is one of them.

Once we got seated, our very nice server came over and told us the specials so I didn’t even bother to look at the menu because she said they had fresh salmon that night, and that sounded perfect! It came with a sugar-plum tomato and garlic sauce, which luckily, I had them put on the side because it had a lot of garlic in it! Everyone knows that I’m Italian, and that Italians like garlic, but they also like to kiss, and since I was planning on shoving my tongue down dream boy’s throat at some point, I didn’t think it was a good idea to eat too much of the stuff!

The salmon was lightly sprinkled with fresh tarragon and basil, so the fragrance was enticing, and it came with a side of grilled asparagus, and roasted potatoes. It was certainly healthy… meaning it completely lacked any seasoning! The fish desperately needed salt, sheesh! All in all though, it was pretty delicious.

Because I worked out so hard, I figured I earned some dessert, so I ordered their shortbread cookies with a balsamic glaze because they had the fewest calories, and they were disgusting! Come to find out, they were gluten-free! I’m no glutard, I can eat all the gluten I want! In fact, give me a goddamned wheat beer to get this shitty, healthful taste out of my mouth, right away!

I’m not sure I’m cut out for this healthy lifestyle shit. If it means that I have to risk my life exercising and eat gluten-free and unseasoned foods, then I’ll just stick to looking in the mirror wearing dark sunglasses!

I’ll have to get dream boy a pair, too.


5046 Cornell Road

Agoura, CA


Categories: Food, Humor, Satire, Seafood | Tags: , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Post navigation

3 thoughts on “Health Scare!

  1. You know what you should do. Get a new thing called an MP3 player that plays music digitally instead of cassettely. Then that guy should love you in no time.

Have you digested this?

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

Blog at

%d bloggers like this: