What does a diminutive Austrian chef, Mexicans, and Caesar salad have in common? Well, there shouldn’t be a goddamned thing, but turns out, there is!
Wolfgang Puck is the diminutive chef to which I’m referring, which you’ve probably already guessed because how many diminutive Austrian chefs can you name off of the top of your head? Anyway, he makes a Caesar salad in his to-go line found at Gelson’s supermarkets, and the salad is pretty good, as pre-packaged foods go, so I’ve eaten them from time to time over the years and they’ve always been consistently good… until recently.
Because I bought one for lunch the other day and it had a container of salsa in it!
Don’t we have enough Mexican in every goddamned thing around here in California as it is?! They have to put goddamned salsa in goddamned Caesar salad?! Caesar salad is Italian, for crying out loud!
For years there have been “rumors” that the first Caesar salad was created in Tijuana *snort* which I find completely ridiculous since no Italian in his or her right mind would find themselves in a place as barbaric as Tijuana, Mexico tossing a salad!
Everyone knows that Caesar salad was invented by the Great Julius Caesar himself, even though he probably didn’t have Worcestershire sauce back then…
…but what I don’t get is that an Austrian is screwing it up by allowing salsa to be included in the salad and allowing this go on… this whole Mexican invasion thing! Julius Caesar is the only invader around here, the goddamned Austrians didn’t invade anyone! I mean, I can tolerate Mexicans because I have to live with so many of ‘em, but do I have to tolerate a short, white guy with a stupid accent, screwing up a Caesar salad? Next thing you know, he’ll be selling Tortilla Soup without goddamned chicken in it!
Not only that, but he changed the croutons too! It used to be that he included his yummy, rustic, homemade croutons in the salad. Now, he adds the crappy kind of crouton that you can get at any old supermarket in the produce section! I never got that by the way… the whole “you’ll find the croutons in the produce section” thing. Why don’t they put them in the cracker aisle like a normal person!
The salad has the other accoutrements that you’d want in a Caesar, like Parmigiano cheese, and plenty of dressing, which, by the way, doesn’t even come close to the excellent Caesar salad dressing that I make, but it suffices. All-in-all, it makes for a decent lunch.
But I was so upset to see this little container of salsa and the crappy croutons in my Caesar salad, that I emailed the little midget to complain, and you know what? He never replied, the fuzzy little foreigner! He totally blew me off! Okay, I may have gotten a little emphatic in my email and referred to him as a Nazi sympathizer, but does that mean he has the right to just ignore me?
It’s typical of someone who let fame get to his head! Just like that other Austrian fame-mongerer, Schwarzenegger, he got rich and famous and now he thinks he’s better than everyone and can grope chicken breasts and put goddamned salsa in Caesar salad!
You know what I love about the Romans? They’re too busy eating excellent food and drinking excellent wine to worry about Mexicans and Austrians! If it was Julius Caesar, he would have just lopped off Wolfgang’s head, laughed and had the Mexican slaves clean up, and that would have been the end of it! And he wouldn’t have put salsa in his salad!
Wolfgang Puck To-Go
Various Gelson’s Locations