I was driving along the road on a beautiful, sunny morning, in the best of moods, and I was thinking about how I could increase my love for humankind, because at the end of the day, we all share the same struggles and challenges, so I should have more patience with others, because one never knows what another person could be going through, so I decided right then and there that I was going to be more calm, peaceful, and kind…
…and then some stupid bitch in the car behind me honks her horn ’cause I guess I wasn’t going fast enough for her, the moron! I wasn’t going to let some idiot rush me and deprive me of being loving and peaceful because she had to make her goddamned fake-nail appointment, so I put the brakes on and then I sped up and then slowed down again, just to let her know who was boss, and I think she finally got the picture ’cause she hurriedly got over in the next lane and sped past me as I gave her the finger! I showed her, let me tell you! I was so glad the idiot was gone, out of my life for good, so I could get back to being more peaceful and loving!
Then I got into work (yes, work! what, you think I make money being a writer, for crying out loud!?) and this moron calls and starts complaining to me, I guess ’cause he didn’t like our service or some other babble, and so I hung up on him… accidentally. Well I got so upset by these stupid, insensitive people, I had to close my eyes, take some deep breaths and re-center myself so that I could get back to being more peaceful and loving!
And that takes a lot of work, by the way. You can’t maneuver through a world of morons in a state of peaceful, loving calm without an extreme amount of effort, and I figured that after all that labor of me trying to love these idiots, I should reward myself with something good to eat. Let’s face it, I totally deserved it after all I’d been through, but I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted, so I sat quietly meditating, trying to figure out what my stomach wanted me to eat, but the best it could come up with was… ice cream.
Jeez, how disappointing!
Don’t get me wrong, I love ice cream and it’s wonderful and everything, but when you can eat anything you want… anything… well, ice cream just seems so, so… gosh, I can’t even think of a word to describe it, even though I’m a writer! But that’s what my stomach wanted, so who was I to argue? The only decision I had to make after that, was where to get it from.
There are lots of places to get ice cream around here because, let’s face it, it’s the suburbs and what the hell else do you do in the suburbs besides stuff your face with fattening foods like ice cream and breed… lots of obnoxious little brats, who stand with their snotty noses pressed up against the glass at the ice cream parlor, trying to decide which flavors to get on their shitty cones, while leaving dirty digit smudges all over the place so you can’t read the goddamned flavors! Don’t forget, these are the offspring of the morons who drive around like idiots on the roads! Not that I don’t love the little bastards…
Anyway, I decided to go to Baskin Robbins (YaY!) because I hadn’t been there in a long time and I happen to really like their ice cream. There are two flavors that I always get because I think they make the best version of them: mint chocolate chip, and jamocha almond fudge… mmm!
Upon my arrival, I spotted a cartload of people heading in the same direction as I, and of course I increased my walking to a sprint so that I could beat them to the counter, because there’s nothing more annoying than having a large group of idiots in front of you, making you wait to order your goddamned ice cream while they try to decide how to fatten themselves up and breed more snotty-faced bastards! Luckily, I made it before them, and when they all piled up inside the doorway, I turned around and showered them with a beatific smile to show my affection and appreciation because, after all, I love all humankind equally! Plus, I got there before them!
I felt so much better after getting my two scoops of ice cream too! It was like a peaceful, calm had washed over me, and as I sat there eating my treat, I came to the realization that I had found the answer to becoming a more peaceful, loving human being…
…and it’s not eating goddamned ice cream! It’s making sure you’re in front of all the other cars on the road, hanging up on people who annoy you, and getting to the front of the line, everywhere you go!
That’s the secret to peace and love; putting yourself above all others and having a true knowledge of your own entitlement!
Thank goodness I figured that out!