I let myself get suckered! I was lied to and now I feel like such a schmuck! I’m a meatball! A chowderhead!
Ooh, turkey sounds good right now! A turkey sandwich on rye bread, with lots of mayo, spicy mustard, and tomato slices, with a tangy pickle and hot peppers on the side… maybe even some avocado thrown in for good measure… mmmm!
Where was I? Oh yeah, I was duped and now I’m a turkey, and I’m pissed off! I wish I could stuff a big, fat, turkey leg down the throats of every person that did something shitty to me the past week, and believe me, there was at least one of them!
I don’t crave turkey all that much except around the holidays and then it’s over really quickly. But when I do crave it, I usually go to a Jewish deli to get it in a sandwich, ‘cause they roast the turkey and slice it fresh, so you won’t get any of that processed crap. I love Jewish delis! Everything about them says “This is the place to come when you need to stuff your guilt down with food.” Not that I feel guilty, why should I?! I was the one who was made out for a turkey the past week by all these… these… people! They’re the guilty ones, not me! That’s why they should go stuff it!
I once had a boyfriend who was Jewish and I could make him feel guilty for just about anything, which was great because I could manipulate him with the guilt. So for instance, when I got hungry, all I had to do was make him feel guilty about what a shitty son he’d been to his mother, and off we went to a restaurant! He’d even pay the tab! We made a great combo until the tactic wore off and he realized what a turkey he’d been. Then he made off with a French woman, can you believe it? What luck, he’ll be miserable for the rest of his life!
Hey, I get it okay? It’s no fun being in that position and I’ll never make anyone feel like a turkey again unless it’s absolutely necessary!
Anyway, I know that there are a few Jewish delis here in town but I’m not impressed with any of them. In fact, I think they’re downright crappy when compared to the real delis you’ll find in the Valley! And no, I don’t think Brent’s in Westlake is a good deli! You can’t go to a deli with a name like “Brent”, that’s an Irish name for crying out loud! You have to go to one with a name like Saul’s or Morty’s or Frank’s!
Now don’t get your tuches all in a bunch, sheesh! That’s my opinion and anyway, isn’t that why you’re here, turkey?
Okay no, that wasn’t necessary.
I mean c’mon, everybody knows that all of the Jewish people who live in California, live in the Valley, right? It’s in all the school books! That’s where I met my old boyfriend too, and all of his tribe, and all of their friends… and all of their jewelers… and lawyers. And once you meet one, you meet all of ‘em! Kinda like the Irish, just a different clan. I’m sure they all wore skirts at some point, too.
Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that if you want really excellent deli food, you have to schlep down to the Valley. But if you want mediocre deli food, then go to Old New York Deli Newbury Park. That’s where I go to get my deli-style turkey sandwiches. I thought it’d be a good place to go because it’s named after a great city with excellent deli food: New York (I’m a shiksa, what can I say?). Their sandwiches are so huge, that you’re really going to end up having food for two days, and you should, considering the damned thing costs over ten bucks! It comes with a small, shitty side for that, by the way. I got potato salad and it wasn’t very good. The best potato salad I ever had in my life, was made by a Jewish lady, and I knew she was Jewish because she complained about having to make it the whole time, and because it was the best goddamned potato salad I ever had in my life! It had all the things in it that make you fart for five hours, like eggs, olives, onions, and lots and lots of mayo!
Another great place to get a turkey sandwich is at Gelson’s supermarket in the deli (get it?), since that’s where all the Jewish people shop, and they have one in Westlake, which I guess means that some of them ended up leaving the Valley and moving here. Which makes sense since Brent’s is right across the street, even though it’s not very good. Don’t they know any better? I thought Jewish people were smart, that’s why they’re all rich! Anyway, they roast the whole bird and slice it right in front of you. But it’s expensive there too, so sometimes I end up just buying the dark meat, which no one seems to want, because all the schmucks that live around here don’t like “dark meat” since it’s not pure! Hey, didn’t that kind of fercockt thinking get us into trouble once before? Mishegas!
Old New York Deli
2700 Teller Rd. #A
Newbury Park, CA
2734 Townsgate Rd.
Westlake Village, CA