More On Cornbread…

 I’ve been using the word “moron” a lot lately, I just love the way it sounds! For me, it completely sums up a person’s character at any given moment, especially when they’ve irritated me!

For instance:

The person who ends a friendship because of a misunderstanding: moron!

The guy who cuts into your lane because he was busy texting while driving: moron!

Paula Deen’s detractors, who are calling her out on the use of the “N” word: morons!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m no fan of Paula Deen, but there are so many other things about her that are unforgivable besides her racist tendencies…

…like her food and stupid accent!

Moron. I feel it, you feel it, we all feel it!

But mostly I feel it.

Anyway, all this sweltering heat we’ve been having has been killing my appetite (that, and all the morons), so I decided to go the beach to get some relief. Well you know all that goddamned apple pie I ate the past couple weeks? It totally showed up in the most unexpected places! I decided that stripping down to my bikini was completely out of the question, so I just stayed in shorts and a t-shirt, sat really low in my beach chair with the brim of my hat pulled down over my brow, and set my beach umbrella at an angle so as to block my body. After a couple of hours of watching some morons surfing in the ice-cold Pacific ocean, I decided that I was getting hungry, and because that moron, Paula Deen, has been in the forefront of the media the past couple weeks, I started craving cornbread.

I know, it’s hard to believe I was craving a southern dish like that since, as you already know, I don’t really like eating southern food because of it’s association with the bastard French and racists like Paula Deen. But KKKorn Bread sounded so delicious, I just couldn’t help myself! That’s because, there’s this place in Malibu that makes the most delicious, golden, buttery cornbread, I just had to get some!

Yeah, I know, that’s another thing that’s hard to believe; finding cornbread in Malibu! No one would think that those snotty, white, rich people actually eat shitty food like cornbread, but they do! They must have their slaves, I mean, undocumented workers, bake it for them. Anyway, this particular cornbread is not your typical cornbread; this is jalapeno cornbread, and there’s only one type of person that would add a jalapeno to a typical southern dish like that.

I know what you’re going to say, and believe me, no one is more flabbergasted than I to know that a Mexican would actually be able to elevate the status of cornbread from poor-man’s-food, to buttery, delicious treat, but they did, and *I love them for it!

*Disclaimer: I don’t actually love Mexicans but I don’t want to be accused of being a racist like Paula Deen and being put at risk of losing my empire.

The best blend of Southern and Mexican I ever saw!

Anyway, the first time I discovered this amazing JCB (jalapeno cornbread) I was having brunch at Coral Beach Cantina with a group of friends and we all got a piece with our orders. Well we all just fell in love with it, except one person who didn’t eat theirs (moron), so those of us that were sitting in close proximity to it, were eyeing it greedily and wondering who was going to get it. Well I panicked and suggested that we share it. Oh my God, how stupid! I’ll never do that again, I can tell you that! I should have just grabbed it and stuffed it in my pie hole before anyone could say “Donde esta el pan de maiz?”!

I’ve tried cornbread at all kinds of places and believe me, they just don’t compare to this one. I think it’s because they probably use two sticks of butter for one pan of the stuff. It’s texture is moist and creamy, not like the dry, crumbly cornbread you get at other places. That’s because those poor, ignorant Southerners really know how to make a shitty food product taste better by adding tons of butter to it! Oh wait, I forgot, this is a Mexican Cantina. I keep mixing up the Mexicans with the Southerners and Lord knows those two should never be mixed together, otherwise it creates tension, confusion, and hypocrisy in corporations like Wal-Mart!

Anyway, when my order of JCB came out, it didn’t have any jalapenos in it! What the hell? Was it a mistake? Did the Mexican cornbread baker just up and quit that day? Did Wal-Mart step in and say “No more using any Mexican products around here!”? I was so disappointed my JCB turned out not to be jalapeno cornbread, but just cornbread. I mean c’mon, when you go to a restaurant for something in particular, they should have it! Consistency is one of the most important aspects of running a good restaurant! That, and hiring undocumented workers! I ate it anyway because I’m not stupid, but the next time I go back and there aren’t any jalapenos in my JCB, I’m going to call them out for being racist, sheesh!

You know, all I can say is, thank goodness I’m not like any of “those” people…


Coral Beach Cantina

29350 Pacific Coast Hwy

Malibu, CA


Categories: Brunch, Food, Humor, Mexican, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

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10 thoughts on “More On Cornbread…

  1. Jalapeno corn bread does sound very tasty. Sorry ya didn’t get what you thought you were.

  2. Such a good post, even if I’ll never come within a 1000 miles of trying that cornbread. Love the bit about you panicking and offering to share the extra cornbread–talk about morons! 😉

  3. If it wasn’t for my favorite word bitter I would use moron about as much as any other word ever.

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