Up Your American Pie Hole!

So last week I was beginning to tell you about the dessert I got before I was rudely interrupted by a chips and salsa attack, and inevitable Margaritaville, which turned out to be a fiasco, so I thought I’d better re-visit the dessert because it was so stupendous, it was really what I should have been talking about from the get-go!

I went to one of my favorite breakfast joints to get breakfast for lunch one day, and of course I purposefully didn’t finish breakfast/lunch because I had my eye on what was contained in their dessert case. I’m a planner, meaning that if I want dessert, I plan ahead of time what I’m gonna eat and how much, so I can save room for the dessert portion of my dining experience. So that day, I only ate half of what was on my plate because I wanted a piece of their delectable-looking apple pie!

I love apple desserts, even in the middle of summer, and what’s more summery than a slice of apple pie?




Okay, fine.

But those things should never mix with apple pie! And neither should cheddar cheese, by the way, because the combo is just disgusting. I don’t know who came up with that stupid idea, but no self-respecting apple pie eater would smother their slice with sharp-tasting, bright orange goop!

Anyway, I love pie! I know how to make a really delicious pie too, so to find a really well made pie somewhere outside of my own oven is very difficult. You wouldn’t think so because pie is so easy to make, yet everyone seems to think it’s so difficult, but it’s not, it’s as easy as… pie (sorry, I just had to)!

Stuff it in!

Stuff it in!

I told my very nice server that I would save room for the pie, but that it had better be delicious, or else! She just snickered, and that right there told me that it was gonna be, because she didn’t feel the need to defend the deliciousness of the pie, obviously since she knew it was friggin’ delicious and that if I didn’t order some, it was gonna be my loss!

Oh. My. God! This was the best apple pie I’ve ever had in my life, not including the excellent apple tarte tatin I normally eat at Cafe Bizou, but that’s French apple pie… this is American apple pie, the kind that goes with,

hot dogs…



tax evasion…

corporate criminals… and government complicity!

You know, authentic bend-over-and-take-it American!

I was very impressed, especially because the proprietress of Stella’s (Stella), happens to be Greek! Ewww. I’ve never particularly liked the Greeks, because they’re just so… Greek; dark, hairy and they really like to go in through the back door, if you know what I’m talking about! They make really great food products though, like yogurt, cheese and olives, so should we hold that against them?

uh… yeah.

Luckily, Stella is Greek-American and I know this because she speaks English, doesn’t wear gold chains across a hairy chest, and doesn’t eject spit in your face when she talks to you! Stella is not the one that serves you, by the way. Not that I would mind, although Lord knows that woman needs a break since she’s been running restaurants for over sixty years! But it’s her server that I really like because she doesn’t give a shit whether you order their delicious apple pie or not! Plus, she’s been working there for probably about twenty years and anyone that can work around Greeks for that length of time has a lot of patience… and a tightly shut back door!

Because the pie was so damned good, I went back there two days later and ordered two more slices to go (piggy), and my favorite server wasn’t there and neither was Stella! But that turned out to be excellent because their Mexican server-slash-busboy was working instead, and he didn’t know how big of a slice to cut out of the pie, so I ended up with two huge pieces! Haha, it was great! They were waaay bigger than the slice my fav server cut me, so now I’ll be going back whenever he’s there so I can pork over a big, fat piece!

Is that bad though? No, not porking over fat slices of pie, I know that’s bad! Is it bad that I don’t care whether the uneducated Mexican server/busboy doesn’t know proper portion size, giving me too much and possibly getting himself in trouble with Stella and the server?

Guess what? Who cares?!

Come to think of it, if I had spoken Spanish to him, the guy probably would’ve given me the whole damn pie! And if I had spoken Greek to him, then… well, I guess we all know what would’ve happened then, and that is completely…


Stella’s Restaurant

2385 Michael Dr.

Newbury Park, CA


Categories: Desserts, Food, Humor, Margaritas, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

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11 thoughts on “Up Your American Pie Hole!

  1. Stellas? Yeah, Stellas!

  2. Eden Scholle

    You are so hilarious! Thanks for the compliment! My father Gus, is The Chef and creator of that scrumptious masterpiece!

    • Get outta here, really? A guy makes that delicious pie? I’m rendered speechless… no, that’ll never happen.

      It’s just that pie is normally such a girly thing, that I was convinced your mom made it.

      Glad you enjoyed my post!

  3. Gus Scholle

    I’m Stella’s son and Chef at the restaurant, glad you liked the pie. I’m only half Greek, so you won’t have to worry about your back door around me. Thanks

    • Oh thank goodness! Well I’m only half Italian so you’ll only have to worry about me stealing half of what you got!

  4. I have food ADD too. I am always starting something, then seeing something else that looks good then going to another thing. Dang you food and your deliciousness!

    • I know, damnit!

      Plus, once you start eating, like in the morning, for breakfast, then you have to feed yourself again, at least three more times throughout the day, it’s so frustrating!

Have you digested this?

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