A Sugar-Coated Piece of…

Let’s cover up everything that’s ugly and unfair in life with a sweet, outer coating, like a layer of creamy white chocolate frosting dotted with juicy strawberries!

It’ll look soooo much better that way and you can fool yourself into thinking that the thing that was really shitty, that you needed to coat with the creamy layer, wasn’t nearly as shitty as you’d first thought! Sweet, cloying, and completely distracting, a sweet outer coating makes life easier to swallow and gets rid of that nasty, bitter taste in your mouth!

Say you’re around greedy, mendacious double-dealers who have their greasy digits in everybody’s pie, always taking more than their share from right under your nose, and they know that you know, but they don’t care, and it completely disgusts you, but there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it! Just coat that repulsive greediness with the sweet, creamy coating and suddenly, it doesn’t look nearly as badly as when it was first shoved so rudely into your stupid, innocent face!

But wait… now take a big, fat bite of that sweetly coated piece of crap, you poor sucker, and eat everysingle… bite, and make sure to swallow too, because that’s what life is about; swallowing a big, fat bite of sugar-coated crap, every single day!!

Which brings me to pastries.

Pastries always look so pretty don’t they? Those scrumptious little things with their delicate shapes and pretty colors! Some are round or rectangular or square, with layers of creamy fillings in their middles. Some are topped with tiny, sugary marzipan flowers or chocolate shavings, some with fresh fruit glazed with apricot jam or fig syrup, and some sprinkled with powdered sugar. They always look so tempting!


Not in good taste.

But eating a pastry is very unfulfilling, kinda like married sex; it always looks better than it tastes!

It kinda makes sense though since pastries were pretty much invented by the French, who are masters at disguising a rip-off by sugar-coating their intentions with snobbish affectations. You know, like an overly-decorated pastry! Okay arguably, pastries were invented by the Austrians, which are cousins of the Germans, who stink… of stale beer… and don’t make pastries as much as they make sausages… maybe. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, so pastries always look so good but are inevitably a big disappointment. Take the pastry I had the other day from Champagne Bakery in Westlake. It was a White Chocolate Strawberry confection and it looked really delicious and beautiful with it’s white, creamy layers and bright red strawberry slices, so it tempted me and I got it, but when I took a bite of it, it fell way short of my expectation and anticipation!

It basically lacked any striking feature, other than it’s presentation of course. The cake was light and spongy, but it didn’t have any flavor, and the filling, which was supposed to be white chocolate, didn’t taste of anything except sweetness. The strawberries were good, but who the hell wants to pay almost six bucks for a few strawberries?! It was just a fluffy, sweet-coated piece of crap, I mean, cake!

So why did I think that this particular pastry was going to be any different from other pastry disappointments I’ve had? I’ll tell you why: because when you’re in the throes of a full-throttle sugar craving and in dire need of sweet coating to your life because you’ve been screwed over by one of those double-dealers, how are you supposed to think clearly and make any good decisions? Sheesh! Besides, I happen to love Champagne Bakery even if it is French, because they have so many other wonderfully yummy delights to choose from, like their almond raspberry croissant, with its crispy outside and delicate, almond-ey, fruity inside! And their Jesuit croissant, with its custardy, eggy filling and buttery, crispy outside that’s dusted with a snowy layer of powdered sugar! So I go there for those, even if I am going to get screwed, since they’re around four bucks each!

I mean, we’re not talking the Euro or the Yen here people; we’re talking the American Dollar, who’s value has dropped  so much, it can basically be used for toilet paper, (I always wanted to wipe my ass with a President) even though we still put too much value on it! Anyway, the Euro isn’t really that far behind the Dollar either, but thanks to the Germans, the French can continue to pump out their expensive pastry for us Americans, who need to sugar-coat everything!

Hey, as I always like to say; you can sugar-coat your world, but you should never sugar-coat your words!

Champagne Bakery

180 Promenade Way

Westlake Village, CA



Categories: Breakfast, Desserts, Food, Humor, Pastries, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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4 thoughts on “A Sugar-Coated Piece of…

  1. Perhaps you need to find a real Italian bakery and then you can get some legit pastries up to par (some of the cakes are amazing as well like italian cheesecake). Only other thing to do is just start making (kind of what I’ve done over the past year or so). Then you can also tailor your desserts to your likings as i did somewhere on my blog with a dark chocolate mousse infused with chili pepper and a side shot of chocolate-raspberry port.

    Also after you start making certain items, i.e. when I took the time to make french macarons, you can really understand why some pastries cost what they do. It also quite fun to make lots of goodies too 🙂

  2. richiew13

    Why don’t they put any prices on their online menu? http://champagnebakery.com/cafe/

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