Bite The Big One!

Anybody who knows me, knows that I don’t eat hamburgers. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with them, at least, nothing that I’m going to get into in this paragraph. It’s just that I don’t see what the big deal is about eating a ground meat sandwich. There are so many other delicious options for a sandwich, so I don’t get why one would choose a dry meat patty stuck between two pieces of overly sweet doughy bread with some drippy mayo and ketchup splattered on it and some pickles thrown in for good measure?

I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to say that any self-respecting burger eater would never order their burger well-done. Any self-respecting burger eater wouldn’t consider getting their burger cooked to more than medium rare! Okay Mr. eColi, I find that completely disgusting because there’s nothing appealing about biting into an undercooked meat sandwich and having the bloody, uncooked juices mix in with the drippy mayo and ketchup, then soak into the doughy bun and having the whole thing turn into a soggy, mushy mess! And then add hot, greasy cheese and fried onions to it!

Goodbye colon!

Goodbye colon!

And that’s only part of  the reason I refuse to eat burgers…

Dis tastefully grotesque!

Dis tastefully grotesque!

Okay, so I’ve opened Pandora’s box with this one, since the hamburger is America’s most popular food product, but I don’t care because why should I pretend to be something I’m not? I’m just not a burger eater. Never have been, never will be. I’m thankful I wasn’t brought up on fast food and hamburgers and if that makes me anti-American, so be it!

Now, I am aware that there are all these gourmet burger joints that are sprouting up all over the place, and most of them have some alternate choice to a regular hamburger; like a chicken burger or veggie burger, and that’s all well and good, but I never eat anything with the word “burger” in it (unless he’s really good-looking). But I was curious about why these places are so popular, even though I don’t want to eat there, so I did some research on some of the “gourmet” burger joints around town, and I found that they all had the same thing in common: they’re completely overpriced! Most of these places have their burgers start at 10 bucks… 10 BUCKS!! And that doesn’t even include french fries!

Now I’m sure there are plenty of you who visit these places and are completely satisfied, and you would probably argue that the burgers are delicious and how I don’t know what I’m missing! Well meatheads, I can’t argue with you there; I don’t know what I’m missing and thank goodness for that! Frankly, I wouldn’t want to pay that much for just a sandwich even if I did eat burgers, especially after reading some of the reviews on these places. According to some faithful Yelpers, they found that the burgers at these places were “flavorless”, “not worth the money”, and they were “disappointed”, although no one stated my favorite: “Where’s the beef?™”, so I guess they probably aren’t lacking in the meat department *snicker*!

Well, all of this leads me to a favorite joke of mine that I’d like to share:

A guy walks into a deli, sits at the counter, and peruses the menu. The waitress walks over and asks him what he’d like to order and he says “You know, I’m not sure.” So the waitress says “Well, how about a tongue sandwich?” and the guy looks up at her with a horrified look on his face and replies “God, no! I never want to eat anything that comes out of an animal’s mouth!” So she says, “Okay, how about eggs?”

So I went into the kitchen and made myself one of my favorite sandwiches: a fried egg sammy on sourdough toast slathered with butter, a good pinch of salt and lots of freshly ground pepper! And you know what?

I didn’t miss a thing!

Categories: Humor, Satire | Tags: , , , , | 2 Comments

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2 thoughts on “Bite The Big One!

  1. If it isn’t well done I won’t even touch. I think all meats should be cooked well. Even sushi is off my list. Animals eat their meat raw, we aren’t animals.

    • Well actually, we are animals and some of us are more animal than others! But yes, well done is the way to go if you’re going to sink your teeth into an animal!

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