What do golfers and oysters have in common?
They’re both ugly.
Let’s face it, most golfers are out-of-shape white men in goofy outfits with awful hair, and who wants to look at that?! That’s exactly what I was thinking when I was eating some oysters in a bar the other night while they had the PGA golf tournament on and Phil Mickelson was playing. He is just so unpleasant to look at, he’s the type of ugly that’s hard to get past… and he does t.v. commercials!! I don’t get it. The standard for women being on t.v. is really high, but for men, it doesn’t matter! You can be fat, bald, short, hairy or butt-ugly and still get tons of work and endorsements!
The settings for golf games are really nice though: tree-lined courses on bright green, perfectly manicured lawns, set against purple mountains under crisp, blue skies in places like Tuscon, Arizona, where this tournament happened to be taking place. Yep, smack dab in the middle of the arid desert where no such setting naturally occurs. Gee, I wonder how much water it takes to keep it looking green so these ugly guys can go out there and swing their clubs? I noticed that the sponsor of the tournament was Waste Management. You know, the garbage guys in the big, stinky trucks, and I thought to myself “This golf thing is getting uglier by the moment.” Personally, I prefer watching professional tennis. The players are super fit with gorgeous bodies and faces, and the game has got a lot more action to it, even though I can’t figure out the rules, but who cares about that when you can look at the players? I mean c’mon, what’s more offensive than watching ugly, middle-aged men take their tiny balls and try to fit them into grassy holes?!
I can get past the ugly with oysters though because I get something out of it: they’re absolutely delicious! You wouldn’t necessarily eat an oyster at first glance because it doesn’t look very appealing. The shell has a misshapen, sort of mangled look to it, and the insides don’t look very good either. The oyster itself is a grayish beige, so it sort of looks like a clam that’s not feeling very well. But good, fresh oysters are a tasty treat! I hadn’t eaten them in a long time because they’re expensive little suckers and being a single gal, I’m on a budget, so I can’t afford expensive seafood unless I end up sitting next to a drunk guy who buys it for me, which you can read about here. So I don’t often indulge in oysters because of the expense, but I found a great place where you can get them at a fairly decent price during happy hour, and that place is Lure in Camarillo. I’ve been wanting to go there for a while now because I heard great things about it, but I needed some time to save up some clams! *snicker*
The night I was there, they had about four different kinds of fresh oysters and during happy hour, they’re only a buck fifty each and you can mix and match them, which is great! I ordered 2 Crystal Points, and 4 Kumamotos, which are 2 bucks each instead of $1.50 since they’re supposedly one of the best. I preferred the Crystal Points though because they were slightly bigger and had a more briny taste, where as the Kumamotos were small and slightly sweeter. My oysters were little briny jewels sitting in their shells on a bed of crushed ice, and they came with a yummy cocktail sauce and freshly grated horseradish, which had a good kick to it! I squeezed fresh lemon juice on them first, then put a tiny dollop of cocktail sauce and horseradish on top, and I slurped them down! They were ice-cold and super fresh tasting, which is very important when you’re eating an oyster! You could tell they were expertly prepared, too! It takes finesse to shuck an oyster because they’re very delicate and contain their own juice, which is referred to as the “liquor”, so when you open them, you don’t want to spill any of it since it’s part of the experience of eating them. And once you pry them open, you have to gently loosen the oyster from it’s shell, because like all mollusks, it’s connected by a small muscle, and you want it to slide out of the shell and into your mouth with ease, and you don’t want any shell pieces in there either. Just like ugly ball players, I have an aversion to bad oyster shuckers, but luckily the guys at Lure know what they’re doing!
As I was sitting at the bar enjoying myself, I took a look around the place since it gets pretty crowded for happy hour, and I happened to notice that it was packed with a lot of men that looked like they had just gotten off the golf course, and I thought to myself “Wow, the world really is my oyster!”
259 W. Ventura Blvd.