All American Chicken

You know you’ve made it when someone creates a Facebook page about you. It’s an indication that you’re worthy enough to be part of Pop Culture, that your life is so amazing that people build pages around your life just because they want to adore you (or mock you!) It’s the metaphor for success in the Western world!  There are Facebook pages for everybody!

I just never thought that one would be created for a chicken. A cooked chicken.

An American exclusive!

But hey, why not a chicken? Why couldn’t a chicken have it’s own “Friends” and “Likes” too? I happen to love this chicken, so of course there are a lot of others who love this chicken too. This is a great chicken! It’s a rotisserie chicken that’s so moist and tender and flavorful, and it just melts in your mouth! They brine the chicken first in salt and sugar, then they sprinkle it with all these yummy spices that get into the meat when they cook it on the rotisserie, and it spins slowly, basting itself and getting all golden and tender, and when it’s done, it’s like butter!  When I want a rotisserie chicken, I only want this rotisserie chicken in particular, it’s that good!

This chicken is so remarkable, that you have to belong to a special club in order to get it and that’s the part that gets me! You can’t just stroll into some regular grocery store and buy it, you have to go to the “Special Club” and become a “Special Member” and you have to pay an “Annual Fee” to shop there, which I do not want to do. Not only that, but you have to show your i.d. AND the stupid “Club Card” they give you, just to be able to step into the place! You can’t be a regular Joe and just walk in to look around, you have to be stamped and approved by the FDA (Friggin‘ Dumb Asses) at the entrance before you walk inside their Club, that’s how special this chicken is!

It’s not like they have a limited quantity of ‘em either because they have plenty! I’ve seen it with my own eyes. They have rows and rows of this rotisserie chicken lining their hot shelves, and the Special Club people pick them off and toss them into their giant carts with complete confidence because they know that they belong to the Club, so there will be plenty more tomorrow and they’ll never run out! I mean, this isn’t Russia in the 80s when you had the poor and hungry line up for hours to get a loaf of bread in the freezing cold, this is America, the land of plenty, where if you have lots of money, you can start your own religion to avoid taxes! You know, the land of the free! So why can’t I just walk in and buy the damn thing when I feel like it, pay the six bucks (yep, it’s only six bucks!) and get my damn chicken?!

Freedom does not mean paying extra money to belong to an exclusive “Club” to get chicken! I refuse to do it based on principle. I can’t let them win ‘cause if I do, then, well, um…  shoot, I’ve lost my point here. But in any case, a girl’s gotta have standards! A girl’s gotta be able to have free will and the choice to choose and make her own…choices, you know what I mean… and this is a free country… oh yeah, that was my point: this is a free country and if we start dividing people by the “Club members” and the “non-Club members”, then we’re going to get something that resembles our current political situation…

…and who wants that?!

So I’ve resorted to calling people I know who are part of this Club and asking them to take me there to get one instead of paying extra, and I get to pull one over on the Big Corporation!

“Hi, Special Club person, it’s me, Clever Girl! How the hell are ya?”

“Oh, it’s you again.”  

“Yeah, well, um… you know what I need.”

“Another one? Jeez, are you serious?! Didn’t you just get one last week?!”

“Listen, I need it okay? Just one more. If it makes you feel any better, I made soup stock from the carcass of the last one.”

“Don’t you think this is getting a little out of hand?”

“No!! C’mon, it’s just a chicken!”

“Yeah, a chicken with it’s own Facebook page!! Look, why don’t you just join our Club instead of going through this every time? Wouldn’t it be easier? You could become one of us!”

“Become one of You?! A walking zombie navigating cavernous aisles with a giant steel cart, loading up on 50 rolls of toilet paper I don’t need, while being fed samples? Forget it, I just can’t let that happen!”

Anyway, if any of what I’m saying resonates with you, and you get it like I do, and you refuse to conform, then good for you! Take a stand! It’s about time! You’ll have dignity and respect for yourself, just like I do! And really, no need to thank me, I’m just happy to be a good example (just don’t forget to “Like” me on your Facebook page and we’ll call it even).

Costco Rotisserie Chicken
5700 Lindero Canyon Road
Westlake Village
(818) 597-3901

Categories: Chicken, Food, Humor, Satire | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

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