Hell On Wheels!

I just moved.

Moving takes perseverance, focus, and determination… oh, and a couple of suckers and a godammned truck! Well I didn’t have a truck but my neighbor did, so we used hers… and a couple of her suckers. I think I was supposed to be more appreciative than I was since everyone took time out of their day to help, but all I could think about was how they were touching all of my things with their filthy hands, and how if they’d have broken anything, would I be able to scream and call them goddamned morons? It was really stressful!

There are really only two things that a truck’s good for anyway, and obviously, one of them is moving. I can’t remember what the other one is. Sex maybe. But one should never, ever eat off of a truck. This whole craze of food trucks, I just don’t get it. It’s not like they’re new or anything, food trucks have been around since I was little, except back then, they weren’t “gourmet”, it was fried crap and Mexican food.

Well it’s still fried crap and Mexican food, as well as a bunch of other stuff. My friend, Triple D, and I went to Food Truck Thursdays in a little pothole of a town that I’ve talked about before with a name that resembles cows balls. Yep, Oxnard. Get it? Ox-nard? Men refer to balls as nards, right? At least, that’s what I’ve overheard… but anyway, yeah we went there and I had high expectations, which is stupid because why would I have high expectations when I’m going to eat off a truck…

…in a town named after a cows balls?!

I should have known it was going to be a bust as soon as we pulled up because we got a parking spot right up front, which is never a good sign. I’ve seen the t.v. shows on food trucks and they make ‘em look so good, but those are usually in places like San Francisco, New York, or Austin, Texas, not… Oxnard, CA. That’s like saying: “Hey, let’s go to Salinas for the great scenery!” Nobody in their right mind ever goes to Salinas, for crying out loud, it’s just a stop-over on your way to the really beautiful places like Monterey and Carmel, where all the white people are.

Oxnard is known for only a couple of things: Mexicans, the strawberries that the Mexicans pick, and now, Food Truck Thursdays. Actually, I think it’s already known for food trucks because Oxnard’s full of food trucks, like the ones I mentioned before. I mean, they’re the ones that drive ‘em, so food trucks represent just another day at work for the folks in Oxnard! No wonder there weren’t that many people there…

My buns weren't steamed over this one

My buns weren’t steamed over this one

I had some type of Taiwanese/Filipino food from my truck, although I couldn’t tell you what it was called. It had all these weird ingredients, like the bastard child of Southeast Asian cuisine, and the only reason I chose this particular truck, is because there was no line, because I hate waiting in lines! It was called the Steamy Bun Truck (Lord knows there’s a lot to go off of on that one, but I’ll spare you this time). Triple D decided on, get this: empanadas. Really? Now there’s a big friggin’ suprise; to get a Latin dish… in Oxnard… from a food truck! Wow, I woulda never guessed!

Those turned out to be the most flavorful of the three dishes we got, the third being sweet potato fries, and get this: the truck didn’t have any salt. Yeah, you heard me; no goddamned salt! How can you be a food truck and serve fried potatoes and not have any goddamned salt?! Why? How does that happen? Do they normally just move furniture in their goddamned truck and cook food in it on Thursdays in Oxnard?!

Needless to say, the only way I’m going back to Oxnard is for… well I can’t think of a single reason to go back to Oxnard. Oh wait, there is one; if I ever need to buy a used truck, which will be… never.

Food Truck Thursdays

1st Thursday Monthly

Heritage Square, 715 South A St.

805.385.2705

Categories: Asian, Food, Humor, Mexican, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , ,

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3 thoughts on “Hell On Wheels!

  1. I go to the Salinas for the scenery all the time. I don’t know what you are talking about.

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