I had just finished getting one of my favorite desserts to take home with me, when it suddenly struck me: chips and salsa!

I love chips and salsa, partly because they’re free, but also because I love scooping up the spicy, tomato-ey salsa with a crispy, salty chip and having it crunch in my mouth! They’re so much fun to eat, and since I’m usually sitting in a bar when I’m eating them, it’s double the fun because I get to watch the most interesting drunkards, I mean, people, while I’m enjoying my snack!

It just so happened that across the street from where I got my dessert, there was a Mexican restaurant, which isn’t that much of a surprise really, since there’s a goddamned Mexican restaurant on just about every corner of this town… and the next town over… and, the next one over after that! Anyway, it didn’t strike me that I wanted chips and salsa until I noticed the Mexican restaurant, and then I suddenly realized that wanted some!

But there was a slight hurdle I had to overcome before I could get them; I had to actually order something… and pay for it, if I was going to sit in the bar and eat my free chips and salsa. It wasn’t a big deal really because I thought that I could always just order a soda or something. But it turns out I didn’t want a soda because along with the dessert I was going to eat later, it would have put me way over my sugar quota for the day. Really in my own mind I was just fooling myself because if I didn’t get the stupid soda, I was going to order another sugary drink, like a Margarita, but I could justify the Margarita because it has fresh lime juice in it, and that would make it less…

…nevermind.

So I decided to just get a Margarita so I could blend in with the drunkards and eat chips and salsa to my heart’s content! I took a seat at the only table left in the place, since even though it was no longer Happy Hour, the place was jamming! Now you should know that this place has been around since March 6, 1836, which could be disconcerting because unlike women, restaurants do not get better with age! Especially restaurants that fry a bunch of crap, like all Mexican restaurants do. For some scientific reason that I can’t explain, the oil and grease makes it’s way into every nook and cranny, and the smell of slightly burned tortilla remains, no matter what you do to try to get rid of it, and believe me, this place did not disappoint!

Midget Marg

The bar stool I was sitting on must have been made to cater to drunk midgets too, because as I sat down, my eyes barely met the edge of the table and my knees were jammed up to my chin! When I tried to rest my feet on the footrest, they kept slipping off too, so I finally gave up and just let my legs dangle in the air like a little midget’s would! Oh excuse me, I mean, “little person” *snort, snicker*

Anyway, all the tables and stools were the color of old, fried tortillas, so at least they were thoughtful enough to match the decor with their chips. After a few uncomfortable moments of sitting alone on my midget stool, surrounded by drunk people who were giving me the once-over, the server finally came to take my order. I told her I wanted a Margarita on the rocks without salt. I figured that I was going to get enough salt on my chips, and that, coupled with the alcohol, was gonna be enough to puff me up like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade floatie the next morning! Then she asked me if I only wanted a regular “well Margarita”, like I was cheap or something! I guess they try to up sell you to a more expensive Margarita, but at the end of the day, I’m still going to have the same hangover, so just give me the shitty one, will ya?

Well that’s exactly what I got.

Holy guacamole, I never thought that any bar could screw up a Margarita to the extent that this place did, but was I wrong! This was singularly the worst Margarita I’ve had in my entire life, and it took them almost fifteen minutes to get it to me! I could understand the delay if they were handcrafting a spectacular cocktail, but waiting for this piece of crap?  When it finally arrived and I took a sip, I nearly fell the three inches off my stool! If there were a Guinness Book of World Records for “worst, shitty Margarita”, this would be it! I nearly pee’d my pants when I learned that they claim to have “award-winning Margaritas”!  Really?! Who the hell was judging, a drunk midget?!

I looked towards the bar, and there on the counter was the cheapest bottled Margarita mix on the planet. You know, the bright green kind that glows in the dark, and that’s what they used to make my $7.50 Marg. Lucky for me, they included a fresh lime wedge, otherwise it would have been a total wash. Not only that, but I had to flag down a manager to ask for more salsa since my server disappeared, and he acted like I was asking him to do the Mexican Hat Dance! Sheesh, this place needs a makeover in the attitude department! I felt like saying “Hey asshole, your shitty Margarita sucks!” But I didn’t because I don’t speak Spanish.

The only saving grace to this entire experience, was the salsa; not even the chips, since they had that old grease taste to them. They weren’t inedible or anything, and at least I didn’t get my usual regret-ache afterwards, I think because the cheap alcohol they used in my Marg counteracted any of that happening. Plus, I think it got rid of that bacterial infection I’ve been fighting…

Anyway, if you want some old-grease tasting chips with some yummy salsa, go there. If you want a shitty Margarita and attitude, go there also. But if not, don’t worry, there’s one on every corner…

The Alamo

2311 Borchard Road

Newbury Park, CA

498.3115